What frustrates you?
Think about the last few days. Today, maybe. Last week. When you think about your work, what frustrates you? If you're married, what frustrates you about your marriage? If you've got kids - especially teenagers or adult children - what frustrates you about them?
Got something? Most of us don't have to think very long.
Now here's the harder question. What might that frustration be saying about you?
Self-awareness is one of the hardest things to grow
I'll be honest and transparent with you. Of all the areas I'm trying to grow in on this personal growth journey, self-awareness might be the hardest one.
Tasha Eurich, an organizational psychologist and one of the top voices on self-awareness, has found that a lot more of us think we're self-aware than actually are. And even the ones who are aren't completely self-aware.
That's not a knock on anybody. It's just a real challenge, for all of us. It's hard to see the thing you're standing inside of.
So where do you start? One of the best places I know is the stuff that frustrates you.
One finger out, three pointing back
You've heard this one. When I point a finger at somebody else, I've got three fingers pointing back at me.
When I'm frustrated with someone, or I'm critical of them, it's worth stopping and asking: in this specific situation, with this specific thing I'm criticizing, how might that same thing be showing up in my life? And is that maybe why it bugs me so much?
I'm just talking to me here. But I've noticed that at work, in my professional life, really in anything - where I tend to get frustrated or critical, something in that same thing, or right around it, usually lives in me too. Or it did. Or it still does. Or it shows up in a different area of my life, but it's very similar.
That's often why it frustrates me.
Our kids copy what we do
One of the clearest places to see this is with our teenagers and adult children.
Kids tend to duplicate what's modeled, not what's said or taught. They copy what we do. They copy what we did. So the thing that frustrates us about them could very well be the thing that's also in us. It might show up a little differently. But it typically lies within us.
Man, that one hits me. I've raised four boys - most of them adults now. And some of the same things I've had to work on, I still have to work on in a big way. The more I look at it, the less it's "they need to do better." It's "I need to do better."
That doesn't feel very good. It also gives me something I can actually control.
Look for what's on repeat
Here's the part we usually skip. Before we can change what frustrates us, we have to know what it is.
So take an honest look. Do the same things frustrate me over and over again? Or is this something new? How often do I get frustrated? How often am I critical of other people? Those two are similar, but they're not the same.
Sometimes it's the same exact thing, on repeat, for years. And we've never stopped long enough to ask, "Hey, what could I do differently here?"
That's not a character flaw. It's just a rep we haven't taken yet.
Find your truth tellers
You can't do all of this on your own. You need people who will tell you what you need to hear, even when you don't want to hear it.
I have a few truth tellers in my life. My wife is one of them. And a few others who will tell me the truth even when it doesn't feel very good.
I'll be honest - I don't always respond real well when they do. But on the inside, I know they're right. I know I need to work on it. And I know they care. That's what makes a truth teller different from a critic. They're for you.
If you don't have a person like that, that's worth looking for. If you do, thank them. Then listen a little longer than feels comfortable.
Your One More Rep: a frustration audit
Here's your One More Rep this week. Grab a notebook and take an honest audit. Just four questions:
- What has frustrated me in the last few days - at work, at home, with my kids?
- Is this new, or has it frustrated me over and over?
- Where might that same thing live in me, even if it shows up somewhere else in my life?
- What's one thing I could do differently the next time it comes up?
Don't try to fix every answer. Pick one. Work on that one.
We can all get better at this
I hope this challenges you a little. I hope it encourages you, too. Because the good news is we can all get better at self-awareness. We can all improve in the very areas where we criticize other people or get frustrated.
Remember: one finger pointing at somebody else, three pointing back at us. Instead of being so focused on how somebody else should get better, let's get honest about where we are, who we are, and how we can get better.
And if you've already got this one figured out, coach me up. I'm still working on it.
God bless. Have a great one.
