How to Stop Caring So Much What Other People Think

You rewrite the email four times. You say yes when you meant no. You hold back the idea in the meeting because what if it sounds dumb? You replay a conversation at 11 at night, wondering what they really thought of you.

If that sounds familiar, you're in good company. Of all the fears that quietly shape our decisions, I believe the one that hits the most people the hardest is fear of other people's opinions.

I'll go first. I still care way too much about what other people think. I'm better than I used to be. But I'm not done with this one, not even close.

We were given emotions to feel, not to be run by them

I believe we were given every emotion to have, to experience and to feel. We were not given them to be controlled by them.

That matters here, because a lot of the experts I read say we tend to make our choices emotionally first and then back them up with logic. You may push back on that. I'm a skeptic too, so I'd push back on it. But think about the last time you made a choice and then spent the next day justifying it, or trying to undo it.

When fear of what people think is behind the wheel, it's making decisions for you before your logic even gets a vote. Which job you'll go after. Whether you'll speak up. Whether you'll try the thing you've been dreaming about.

The representative we send out

Think about a job interview, or a first date. We all send out our representative. Our best impression. And honestly, the other side usually does the same.

That's normal. The problem is when we never stop sending the representative. We keep performing for approval, and nobody, sometimes not even us, gets to meet the real version.

One of the masks that comes with this is perfection covering fear of judgment. If it's perfect, nobody can criticize it. So we polish and polish and never put it out there. That's not high standards. A lot of times, that's fear.

Two ditches on either side of the road

Here's what I've noticed talking with a lot of people who are willing to be honest and real about this. Most of them land in one of two ditches.

Some struggle with caring too much about everybody's opinion. Others have swung so far the other way that they dysfunctionally don't care about anybody's opinion at all. That's not freedom. That's just a different ditch.

There are people in the sweet spot in the middle. Those are the people I'm trying to read, follow and learn from. Because the goal isn't to stop caring. The goal is to care about the right opinions, in the right way.

Choose whose opinion gets a vote

This was a turning point for me. Not everybody's opinion belongs in the same place.

There are a lot of people I've taken out of the circle of folks whose opinions shape my choices. Not because I don't respect them, but because they're not in my life in a way that should steer it. And there are some specific people I've intentionally put in that circle. The people I'm in the work with. The people who know me and want the best for me.

I care tremendously about what those people think. To a fault, sometimes. But even with them, I've learned to sort the feedback.

One comment is a data point. A pattern is a clue.

Here's a simple filter I use.

If I get some one-off piece of feedback way out in left field and I don't hear it from anybody else, I don't throw it away. I put it in the back of my mind. Maybe that person is seeing something from a perspective nobody else has. If I hear it again, I pay more attention.

But if I hear the same thing from two, three, four, five people, pretty consistent and in the same area? That's a clue. That probably means I need to learn something and adjust.

That one filter takes a lot of the fear out of other people's opinions. You stop reacting to every comment and start listening for patterns. You're not a slave to feedback, and you're not deaf to it either.

Your One More Rep: sort the voices

Here's your One More Rep for this week. Take 17 minutes, no technology, just a notebook, and work through this:

1. Write down one decision you've been postponing. Whose opinion are you worried about?
2. Is that person someone who should have a vote in your life? Be honest.
3. What feedback have you heard more than once, from more than one person? That's your clue. What's one small way you could act on it?
4. Where are you sending your representative instead of the real you?

Then make one choice this week from courage instead of from fear of judgment. Just one. Speak up once. Ship the thing that isn't perfect. Say the honest no.

You don't have to stop caring about people. The fact that you care is a good thing. Just don't let everybody else's opinion decide who you become. You are worth it, and you have what it takes.

Have a great day. Have a grateful day.