You already know who it is.
Maybe it's a parent. Maybe it's a sibling, an in-law, or that one cousin who can't let a topic go. You haven't even pulled into the driveway yet and you can already hear the comment, feel your jaw tighten, and predict exactly how you're going to respond.
Here's the thing - if you can predict the trigger, you can plan for it. And if you don't plan for it, you'll probably do the same thing you did last year.
Mine was my dad
I'll go first. I loved my dad, and my dad loved me. But my dad was a trigger for me.
My wife would coach me up on the drive over. She'd remind me how I wanted to show up. And a lot of the time, I'd still let him get to me and I'd respond poorly. Over the years I got a little bit better, because she kept coaching me and, honestly, she was right.
So I'm not writing this from a place of having it figured out. I'm writing it because I've been the guy who knew the trigger was coming and walked right into it anyway. I need this as much as anyone reading it.
Pressure doesn't build you - it shows you
Wayne Chappelle, a clinical psychologist and mental performance coach who co-wrote a book with Craig Groeschel, talks about keeping your composure when the pressure rises.
I see this with athletes all the time. A high school player thinks he can give decent effort all week and then flip a switch on Friday night. It doesn't work that way. When adversity hits - in a game, in a business, or at the Thanksgiving table - it doesn't create your mental fitness. It reveals it.
That's good news, though. It means composure is something you can train before the moment shows up, not something you either have or you don't.
Check the story you're telling yourself
Before the holiday ever starts, most of us have already written the script. "He's going to do that thing again." "She always makes it about her." "Nobody's going to get along, like always."
Some of that may be true. Some of it is assumption. And assumptions set us up for disappointment before anybody says a word.
So sort it out ahead of time:
- What am I feeling about this season?
- What's actually true?
- What am I assuming?
Just because you don't say it out loud doesn't mean it isn't affecting you. If you spend the whole drive criticizing someone in your head, you show up already loaded.
Plan the response, not just the trigger
This is the simple part. Take the moment you know is coming and write a different ending for it.
For me it's this: when I notice I'm triggered, I'm going to pause. That's it. Just pause. Pausing is powerful. Then I'm going to listen. Then I'm going to look for one way to be kind, and I'm not going to respond the way I would have before.
It also helps to think about boundaries. Darren Hardy, author of The Compound Effect, taught me to ask whether someone is a three-minute person, a thirty-minute person, a three-hour person or a three-day person. That's not about judging anybody. It's about knowing what you can carry and planning your time with people so you can show up at your best, not your most worn out.
Your One More Rep for the holidays
Fill in this sentence before the first family gathering. Write it down somewhere you'll see it.
"When I encounter ______, I will practice ______, because I want people to experience ______ from me."
Here's mine, and it's genuine: When I encounter my own negative mindset, I will practice pausing, being patient, listening and figuring out how I can be kind - because I want people to experience something better from me than my average.
Then pair it with one gratitude rep each morning. Name something specific you're grateful for, and why it matters. Do it before you walk into the room. It's a lot harder to stay triggered when you came in thankful.
Somebody at that table is hurting
The holidays are joyful for some people, hard for others, and both for a lot of us. Somebody at your table may be grieving, lonely or carrying something you can't see.
You could be the CEO - the Chief Encouragement Officer - for that person this year. But not if you're not prepared. It won't just happen. You get to decide how you show up.
You are worth it, and you have what it takes. Go plan your response. Let's grow!
