Most of us don't think we have a fear problem.
We're not scared of roller coasters. We don't lose sleep over scary movies. So fear isn't really running our lives, right?
Here's the thing. Fear doesn't always look like fear. Sometimes it looks like procrastination. Sometimes it looks like a low opinion of yourself that you'd never say out loud. Sometimes it looks like a little bit of success that made you comfortable. And a lot of the time it looks like a phone full of distractions that keeps you from the thing you know you should be doing.
So the better question isn't "Am I afraid?" It's "What's directing my day - fear or courage?"
Where my courage actually came from
People sometimes look at things I've done - playing college sports, building a business, finishing an Ironman - and think I must have been born with some kind of extra grit.
I wasn't. Almost none of it started with me.
It started with my mom. My dad left when I was young, and my brother Ty had severe cerebral palsy. All he could do was smile. My mom changed every diaper, fed him every meal and bathed him for 22 years, with no job and no money. She taught herself to paint and sold paintings to help cover what we didn't have.
No stage. No trophies. Just love in the mundane, day after day.
I didn't realize I was watching her until I was about 22. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. And it set my bar for what "hard" really means for the rest of my life.
You don't have to live it to learn from it
This is the part I most want you to hear. My mom's adversity was her adversity. It wasn't mine. But I got to learn from it anyway.
You don't have to go through something to be changed by it. You just have to pay attention.
Take Dick and Rick Hoyt. Rick was born with cerebral palsy, and his dad Dick - who had never done a triathlon - trained to take him through the Hawaii Ironman. He swam 2.4 miles in the ocean pulling Rick in a raft, biked 112 miles with him on the front, then pushed him through a 26.2-mile marathon. More than once.
I've done one Ironman, with a healthy body, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. So when I see what that father did for his son, I can't help but ask myself: and I can't go walk around the block today?
Here's where a lot of us go wrong. We see a story like that, the gap feels too big, and we file it under "not me." Don't do that. Bring it back into your world. They're light years beyond me. That's okay. I can still get up and do something.
Pay attention to the right people
We live in an attention economy. Everything on your phone is built to grab your focus. Check your screen time sometime and see what's getting the most of you. That's a little uncomfortable for me too.
So what if we paid attention on purpose?
Inky Johnson was a few games from a shot at the NFL draft when one hit ended his career. He went from the top to right back where he started, with a couple hundred dollars to his name. He'll tell you there were dark times. But he decided that injury wasn't going to be his identity, and today he speaks to audiences about exactly that.
That's E + R = O, something my friend and coaching partner Coach Perry taught me: Event plus Response equals Outcome. We don't control the event. We don't control the outcome. We 100% control our response, and our response influences the outcome.
The late educator Rita Pierson said in her TED Talk that kids don't learn from people they don't like. Real, meaningful human connection matters. And I can name the teachers and coaches who gave me that - a fourth-grade teacher who saw I was being bullied, a high school football coach who showed up at my mom's apartment and pulled me out of bed when I'd quit showing up for practice. I've got friends who ended up in prison, or worse. That coach probably saved my life.
Who was that for you? Who believed in you before you did? And are you still training toward the belief they had in you, or have you drifted?
Curious beats right
One more thing that blocks courage: needing to be right.
Coach Perry has curiosity as one of his top core values, and I've since noticed a lot of great leaders share it. To be curious is to be courageous. To be right all the time is a quiet way of living in fear.
Great leader, pastor and author Craig Groeschel openly talks about his own mindset and mental health struggles. That kind of vulnerability is courage too. And honestly, it's why I follow him. I'm messed up enough that I need to be around people like that every day, or I'll drift right back to that which is familiar.
Your three courage reps
Here's your One More Rep for this week. Three short questions. Just pick one area of your life - spiritual, mental, physical, relational or financial - and answer them.
- What step of courage will I take? One step. Not ten.
- How will I be accountable? Who will I tell? Being courageous usually means letting somebody else know you're stepping out.
- Who will I serve well? Courage isn't just for you. It's so you can encourage the next person.
And when it gets hard, try the reframe I fall back on: I get to, choose to, love to.
Somebody is watching you, too
Here's the last thing. Just like I watched my mom, somebody is watching you right now. Your kids. Your team. A friend who's closer to quitting than you know.
You could be the story that gives them courage.
We're all more capable than we currently think. Go find someone whose story stretches you, take your step, and then turn around and encourage somebody else.
Let's grow!
